![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
September 16, 2009 2:43 PM 9/16/09
...I collapse in on myself.
How do you manage to make progress on your own without support from others?
How do I choose a new path with everyone screaming behind my back to get back on the old one?
I won’t name names only to say that these people who I thought in my heart of hearts would support me finding some other path and maybe have some understanding that 20 years is far too long to do something that you now realize you’ve hated for at least half that time...do not support my decision to leave that path.
I can’t say this is the best time to do this because it isn’t. But what I can say is that if I do not do this now I likely won’t get another chance at it. This is my second one and I know a third will not come before I’m dead.
But how do you deal with the people who you can hear the disapproval in the tone of their voice? The don’t come out and say that they disapprove or can’t because you asked them not to say anything but they don’t ever offer any encouragement either.
I spend a lot of my energy and time encouraging others to do the things that they want to do in life. I give them pointers and some warnings but I never tell people that they can’t do it. It’s the one thing I never say. I might make damn sure they know the cost before they start but I don’t just say “No you can’t do that.”
I often tell myself that I don’t expect people to respond to my choices in the same manner, that I don’t care if people give back to me what I give to them, but that’s a white lie I tell myself so I can keep helping people. After a while I get tired of the double standard and just want someone to cheer me on. (And some people do and I thank you for it!)
And yet I can’t bring myself to ask for their help. I should be strong enough to do this shit myself. Even when tired, even when depressed, even when everybody we know makes excuses for not helping us. Even then I feel guilty asking for help.
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to owe anybody or maybe it’s because I just don’t think I’ve given enough to deserve the help that I ask for. Or maybe because asking certain people for help would cost me too much in return.
What happened to all the strength of will I used to have? It’s been gone for years now. Sucked into an industry that cares nothing for the people that work in it beyond that they give 150% and devote their lives to it. Sucked away by people who saw me as nothing but a tool to be used. I think I stopped searching for more of it because it just kept getting drained every time I needed it.
So I guess I now understand why people spend so much on lottery tickets. They want out of their current lives so badly that they’re willing to shell out any sort of money for that one golden opportunity for change.
And here I’ve got one of those golden opportunities and I have neither the strength nor the support to make that change happen.
What’s that mean? It means I’m going to have to get a job soon before the weight gets even worse. (On myself or on others.) And since I’ve got experience in I/T it’s going to have to be another I/T job even though I hate them with a passion now.
And so opportunity, having knocked twice and been turned away twice, will likely never knock again.
...I collapse in on myself.
How do you manage to make progress on your own without support from others?
How do I choose a new path with everyone screaming behind my back to get back on the old one?
I won’t name names only to say that these people who I thought in my heart of hearts would support me finding some other path and maybe have some understanding that 20 years is far too long to do something that you now realize you’ve hated for at least half that time...do not support my decision to leave that path.
I can’t say this is the best time to do this because it isn’t. But what I can say is that if I do not do this now I likely won’t get another chance at it. This is my second one and I know a third will not come before I’m dead.
But how do you deal with the people who you can hear the disapproval in the tone of their voice? The don’t come out and say that they disapprove or can’t because you asked them not to say anything but they don’t ever offer any encouragement either.
I spend a lot of my energy and time encouraging others to do the things that they want to do in life. I give them pointers and some warnings but I never tell people that they can’t do it. It’s the one thing I never say. I might make damn sure they know the cost before they start but I don’t just say “No you can’t do that.”
I often tell myself that I don’t expect people to respond to my choices in the same manner, that I don’t care if people give back to me what I give to them, but that’s a white lie I tell myself so I can keep helping people. After a while I get tired of the double standard and just want someone to cheer me on. (And some people do and I thank you for it!)
And yet I can’t bring myself to ask for their help. I should be strong enough to do this shit myself. Even when tired, even when depressed, even when everybody we know makes excuses for not helping us. Even then I feel guilty asking for help.
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to owe anybody or maybe it’s because I just don’t think I’ve given enough to deserve the help that I ask for. Or maybe because asking certain people for help would cost me too much in return.
What happened to all the strength of will I used to have? It’s been gone for years now. Sucked into an industry that cares nothing for the people that work in it beyond that they give 150% and devote their lives to it. Sucked away by people who saw me as nothing but a tool to be used. I think I stopped searching for more of it because it just kept getting drained every time I needed it.
So I guess I now understand why people spend so much on lottery tickets. They want out of their current lives so badly that they’re willing to shell out any sort of money for that one golden opportunity for change.
And here I’ve got one of those golden opportunities and I have neither the strength nor the support to make that change happen.
What’s that mean? It means I’m going to have to get a job soon before the weight gets even worse. (On myself or on others.) And since I’ve got experience in I/T it’s going to have to be another I/T job even though I hate them with a passion now.
And so opportunity, having knocked twice and been turned away twice, will likely never knock again.